I realized that part of the motivation to work hard at working out for me is real life applications of the skills. I've never been particularly interested in sporting events, certainly not a marathon or a triathalon - partly because it seemed sort of boring, because I never understood the point. Now I see that running a 5 or ten K could be a training tool, of course, but I find it hard to get motivated to train simply to participate in an event. I found an event that sounds interesting and fun, with lots of cool and hard things to do, called the Rugged Maniac. Perhaps when it gets closer, I'll get more excited. (And when it gets warmer, I'll be more willing to run outside!) But for now, I'm still a little unmotivated. I did finally get myself back to Stew's class. Back on the wagon. It is interesting, though. The idea about real life skills... The Fire Fighter thing had real meaning. I knew that I had to learn to lift or drag a certain amount of weight because fire fighters need to do that sort of thing, and I was going to be tested on that. It reminds me of when I was working of accomplishing an unassisted pull-up and a friend at the gym said: what if you fell into a hole? We laughed about the liklihood of their being a bar at the top of the hole. So actually, I need to train those again, because in the Rugged Maniac, I have to climb over walls!

ADD

Lack of focus is not good. I actually did have some things scheduled this week, which has been helpful. Otherwise, I think I would have done almost nothing these last couple of days. It is as if I am depressed. I've had headaches all week, but it's also been cloudy and rainy, which never helps.

Back to Life

Back to reality... the Soul to Soul song started running through my head as I drove home today. That was well after crying for an hour over a latte with Sandy. Sandy arrived at the training grounds just in time to pass me as I was driving out. I rolled down my window and said, "I'm done. I'm leaving." She thoughtfully suggested going to get some coffee. 


What happened was that they split us up into two groups. One group went to do the stair climb and we went to do the dummy drag. So my worst event was my first event. I watched as everyone else easily picked it up and dragged it the distance in 28 seconds or so. But when I got to it, I had a hard time getting a hold on it. I eventually picked it up and started moving, but had lost valuable time. Then the dummy was sliding out of my arms and with only about 10 feet left I dropped it and had to start pulling it by the wrists, but by then I think I was probably over time. I had completed the drag in about 50 seconds, but the limit was 40, so I was done. Test over. 


No stair climb; no ladder lift; no nothing.
The thing is that I know I can DO all these things. Maybe I can't do them all in the allotted time, and time is important, but I can drag a 160 dummy 100 feet. (And I'm pretty sure, giving another opportunity, I could shave some time off. The one other woman in my group dragged it by the wrists, which is probably what I should have done. But I could second guess myself all day.) It's just a bummer that I didn't get a chance to do anything else, because that was first!


Plus, now I don't really know what to do with myself. Sandy asked if I was going to go to the gym. I just might! I was prepared for a workout today and didn't get one. But bigger than that, I need a new goal. I don't really want to go back to my old life and whatever reality that was. As Sandy pointed out, she's never seen me so focused and dedicated to anything before. She's right. So what is it that I can do next to continue on this path, but isn't this?

Do or Die

Tomorrow is the big day. Friday was my last day at the gym for some targeted exercises. I literally cried on the way there, being so stressed out about it. I've been anxious just going to the gym, wondering what to do, knowing there's not much more I can do except more of the same, which somehow doesn't seem like enough. I did manage to drag 160lbs worth of plates back a forth on the fake turf at a reasonable rate of speed. A few weeks ago when I tried that I couldn't budge it, so that's good. I love the comments: "I can honestly say I've never seen anyone do that before." " I swear, some of things I see you do look like punishment." And the new question this weekend about the firefighter test specifically: "Are you going to be the slightest person taking the test?"

Maybe I won't need my friend Ken's help with the dummy drag after all. He volunteered to wear a wig and drag the dummy for me. This is a guy who benches over 300 pounds. He asked what I was going to wear so I told him I'd be wearing a fuscia job bra, and so he'd have to shave his chest. "I already do that," he said. TMI! 

The weekend has been all about rest and water. I've also been getting up earlier each day all week so that I'm used to getting up before 6AM. I want to eat at 6- 6:15 and leave the house before 6:40. I'm concerned I won't sleep tonight. I know some of my friends who run marathons don't sleep before those. I'll be practicing my breathing and going to my happy place.

Wish me luck.

stress

I'm pretty stressed out. I don't feel ready. My friend said, "It's not like you can cram." And that's totally what I'm doing. But I know that if I do too much I can get hurt.

My kids have been sick. I woke up at 3AM with a twinge of a migraine, which, if I get a migraine, I can be out of commission for days. I took a Zomig and a couple of advil and slapped a icyhot patch on my neck. I got a massage the other day and my QL was super flared up, which I sort of knew. It could be the vest, or it could have been the kettle bell workout from last week because I know I was hiking my hips on that, it just seems like a delayed response.

I know I'm stessed because I was taking my son and a friend to the museum a couple days ago and while stopped at a light, I was looking down, and just because I saw the cars in the left turn lane start to go out of the corner of my eye, I (instinctively I guess) took my foot of the brake and bumped the car in front of me. I was so embarrassed. The boys were surprised but didn't understand what had happened. "Did we get crashed, Mommy?" No, I'm an idiot. I apologized profusely, and gave the couple my insurance information. They were very nice, and there was no damage, not even a mark, on their car - a Lexus, no less - but still. I was babbling and shaking like a crazing person, I'm sure. The only other time I ever did something like this was when I was pregnant with Leo, seven years ago, and I was sleep deprived to the point of truly beginning to be paranoid delusional. It was probably not too long after that event, (I hope! My god, I don't remember the time line, but I do remember that it was awful and I hope it didn't go on too long.) that I ended up crying in the gym parking lot unable to get out of the car such that I had to call Gary to accompany me to my midwife's office. Luckily all she had to do was prescribe me a week's worth of Ambien, and all was well after that. Amazing what a little sleep can do.

Gift

I went to my aunt's apartment building to climb the stairs wearing my weight vest. Four floors fourty pounds, abouts 36 seconds. Not terrible, but then you've got to add 10 pounds and remember to immediately start pulling on a rope at the top.

This is the aunt in whom I confided (obviously) and who encouraged me to record this story. And so she had three requests and a story, for me.

One was that I fuel my body adequately, because she worries about my weight. It is true that I lost about five pounds over the last two or three years, but I have actually gained a couple back. I do have to be conscientious about my eating, making sure to have food with me if I am going from a workout to another appointment, because I can't grab food on the go due to time and nutritional and nutritional constraints. So ok, I'll continue to work on being mindful.

The second was that she wants me to have someone to talk to about what I am preparing to do. We talked about this before, and she means someone like a therapist - definately not a family member - because she thinks it ought to be a neutral party. She feels that joining the Fire Department is a bit like going off to war; admittedly that might be overstating it, but not too much. And she wants me to have support as I go through the trials of training, and beyond, I suppose.  I get it. If you refer back to the last post and note the section on the maze, you may notice that there is similarity between how firefighters and soldiers deal with fear. It's called denial. Again, more on this, but suffice it to say for now, that I've got this one covered, too.

The third was that she wants me to document my story. ...
I hope to get better at getting at the interesting stuff.

Now the story. My greatgrandfather was a musician but in order to make some money he joined the navy. He may have even been underage. So he was in the military band. Of course, it used to be that there lots of military bands. It turns out that he was stationed in San Fransisco and was there during the great earthquake and fires of the early 1900s.

My aunt had a military band pin that was his. She gave it to me and asked that I wear it. She said, "Our family has always found ways to be brave in spirited ways, and that is how I see you."

thanks, Aunt Anne. 

Tick Tock

So much of my life is about time right now, and I don't deal with time very well. In the language of movement analysis, I undulge in time, which means that I like to use all the time that I have, and I don't keep track of it very well. In the language of pathology, I'm ADD.


This last week flew past and now I just have about 8 days left.


The test starts at 8 AM. Most of the events are timed. I don't get anywhere usually get anywhere before 8 AM, and I don't do much fast, so these are major elements for me.


I've managed to get my run down into passing range. At least, I've done it once, but not today.


The other timed events include the stair climb "obstacle course" in which you have 70 seconds to couple 2 hoses, climb stairs (96) and hoist a hose up to the window ledge, all wearing a 50 lb weight vest. A friend at the gym told me  he knows someone who failed the test on this event by going over time by 1 second. I have a 40 pound vest I've worn a bit and climbed some, and I know I can haul, so I'm not terribly worried about this. Fifty pounds is a lot of weight, though.


There is the maze in which you have to crawl through a trailer and find your way out, wearing both the weight vest and a blackened face mask. Luckily, I have been in a maze at my friend's firehouse. I wouldn't want to do this totally unprepared. When I did it, the guys let me put on the turnout gear including a facemask. It took me a minute to get used to, because the air filter requires a little extra effort to breathe.
I remembered my process learning to SCUBA dive in during which I completely had a panic attack. I didn't feel comfortable donning heavy equiptment on a bouncing boat, feeling rushed, jumping into the water and again being bounced around in big swells, and then yet again feeling rushed to descend with all the other divers. I never got a chance to acclimate. So I resorted to beach diving in Bonaire. Not a hardship. But there, you drive up, donn your equiptment standing on the beach and walk into the water. Swim out until you feel like descending and you're good to go. Easy.
Anyway, back to the maze. I knew I could breathe, even though it was odd and uncomfortable, and I knew that when SCUBA diving, once I wasn't thinking about it and instead was looking at the fish and swimming around underwater, I would be fine. So in I went. First, I went in with the lights on, and it was just interesting, because it was set up to look like rafters in an attic, there was a little door I had to open, and the floor was uneven so that twice I had to reach down to find where I could climb down to another floor level. I came out, took a little breather... Then they turned the lights out. Now, it's the same maze. It's a simple maze. But this time going through it as I neared the end I was a little hot, and a little tired. I got to the place where I had to reach down pretty far to find the lower floor. The ceiling was really low there and I knew I would have to get my legs around to climb down, and I started to feel the panic rise. I had to stop and take a few breaths before deciding to just get the hell out. I had actually moved through the maze in less time than the first time, and the guys congratulated me. I told them of my moment of scare and their response was, "Sounds like you're ready for us to start pumping in the smoke." Um, really? (More on this later.)
So I have been doing some combat crawls wearing a 40 lb weight vest to get used to moving low under all that weight. I know what can happen when I am hot, tired, and cramped in an unfamiliar dark place. For this you have 5 minutes, but no one wants to be in there that long.


The ladder lift and climb are the other two. I have to lift one end of a ladder, which will require me to clean and press it since I can't muscle the weight. And I have to climb a ladder to prove I'm not afraid of heights. I think I've got both of these under control.


The bane of my existence now is the dummy drag in which I have 40 seconds to drags a 160 lb body dummy 100 feet. I am really at a loss. I haven't figured out to simulate this, short of dragging my own husband around out back yard, and he hasn't exactly been begging me to let him help me practice. It was a beautiful day today, and while the kids played, I dragged a large branch across the yard. No hand holds, too much damn weight; I can't get any momentum.


Eight days. Much work to do.

Ow and Ew

Sometimes in the quest to get stronger, we get a little crazy. OK, I'll use my "I" word. I might get a little crazy. I am really not that into punishment. I'm kind of of wuss, actually. Which is why I go to this one "class" - some describe it less as a class and more as a challenge - that totally kicks my butt every week. And last week, I left bruised. Not a little bruised. Bruised like, "oh my god, what happened to you?!" bruised. My husband said, "You'd better cover those up tonight or I might get arrested." Five days later I still have a 3 by 4 inch purple, now turning greenish-yellow (ew) ,  splotch on each upper arm where a kettle bell settled during a session of 200 single arm clean and presses (100 each arm). After 65 on the left and 75 on the right, I was letting the weight fall back into my arm. Not a good plan, as it turns out. Not that I had a lot of control at that point. I was focusing on getting the damn thing UP. Oh, and we're talking about a 20 lb kettle bell, for those of you who are keeping score. I was the last one finished, and I'm not sure I would have at all if some other good hearted members of the class hadn't come over and kept doing them with me until I finished - way above and beyond the call of duty. I was already discouraged when people were finishing and I was only half done. It's hard not to call it quits at that point. But one of the good things about this class is the expectation that there is no quitting. You finish the task. Faster is better, of course, but regardless, you gotta get out of the burning building.

Ladder lift and Dummy Drag

Apparently it's the Dummy Drag that is getting a lot of the girls. Isn't that always the way?
Everyone I talk to says it is truly heavy and difficult to handle. I'm told, however, that you do not have to worry about treating it like a real person and can grab it any way you want to, including around the neck! I can just imagine saying to someone, "Sorry your neck is broken, but I did get you out of that burning building."

I am still not clear on just how much weight I will be lifting over my head in the ladder lift. I've been thinking that there must be some calculation involving force and distance or torque or something having to do with levers because I only have to lift one end of the ladder. It weighs about 145 lbs, and being an extention ladder that is folded up, will be 12 feet long. Anyone? Most peoples' best guesses have been in the 60-70 lb. range, which is still just out of my overhead press range, so I've got to clean and press it, Olympic style. But, being a ladder, and not a bar, the hand movement is a bit different. Luckily, I have a friend with a ladder about the right specs. And so, guess what I did today.

A little background

I'm picking this up in the middle up my "crazy little project." Potentially even nearer to the end than I want to think about, because the deal is that I am taking the Firefighter agility test in 15 days. I've been seriously training for a couple of months. I've always worked out. But my weakest point was running.

At 42 I had never run more than 3 miles, and I had never run fast. I would tell people I have to run 1.5 miles in 15 minutes (a 10 minute mile, basically) and they'd shrug it off like, "you can do that, can't you?" Um, no. But I did it today! 1.5 in 15:18! Actually the required time for my age and gender group is 16 minutes. I've just been training to do it in 15 so that I have some cushion. Apparently training works.

I'm starting this Blog so that I can remember days like these. I have an aweful memory and ought to keep a diary, but I never have. I realized that I do enjoy writing emails, though, so I figured this seems a bit like the same thing. Here I am writing an email to someone - you, me, cyberspace, Hal? At first I thought of simply writing emails to my sister, but then she would be the only one to see them, and I guess it is possible someone else might get something out of this. My Aunt suggested I document my process, actually. I can't take all the credit. And that brings to me a little more history...

Deciding to take the Firefighter Agility Test wasn't hard, but deciding who to tell I was taking it, was. I told my husband well over a year ago that I was thinking of doing it, so when it became possible and a reality, he was ready. We decided immediately NOT to tell our parents. If I pass, and am offered a place at the Academy, and I accept, then I will tell them. It'll be a need to know basis. I don't expect them to be happy. I began to tell a few other people who needed to know because their names were on my application. People in my gym began to learn about it as I asked for advice from certain trainers and word leaked out. Almost invariably the response was, in a nutshell, shock and awe.

Awe because everyone thought it was really cool and intense and there is the "oh wow" factor, I guess. The shock part came in some form of this question, "You don't really want to be a firefighter do you?"

I do.